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Stephanie Watches Twin Peaks: 2.21 “Miss Twin Peaks”

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A log is a portion of a tree. At the end of a crosscut log – many of you know this – there are rings. Each ring represents one year in the life of the tree. How long it takes to a grow a tree! I don’t mind telling you some things. Many things I… I mustn’t say. Just notice that my fireplace is boarded up. There will never be a fire there. On the mantelpiece, in that jar, are some of the ashes of my husband. My log hears things I cannot hear. But my log tells me about the sounds, about the new words. Even though it has stopped growing larger, my log is aware.”

Leo finds the key to his shackles and frees himself and Major Briggs. He tells Briggs to save Shelly. Oh, NOW you care about her. *eyeroll*

Cooper reveals to Harry what he saw when Josie died. He tells him he saw BOB and that he thinks BOB comes from the Black Lodge. That he’s the evil in the woods. Cooper wants to find his way in before Windom Earle does.

“It’s fear, Leo, that’s the key! My favorite emotional state!” Windom knows where the entrance is, he knows when the time is right, now he just needs the key: fear. “I haven’t been this excited since I punctured Caroline’s aorta.” Windom punishes Leo for setting Briggs free by tying his tooth to a cage holding several tarantulas. I mean, they probably wouldn’t bite him? What’s the big deal? Just get on outta there, Leo. Or don’t because I have zero sympathy for you after how you treated Shelly. Byeeee!

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Meanwhile, preparations continue for the Miss Twin Peaks pageant. Annie and Shelly are trying to win favor with Norma by being super adorable. She is one of the judges (along with Dick and the Mayor). Plus, it’s her 20th anniversary of winning Miss Twin Peaks.

Lana attempts to curry favor with Dick, bringing him to a storage room so she can seduce him. It’s dark in the storage room, which results in some dirty flashlight innuendos like: “I can’t find it.” “Just flick it.” Judging by his noises, I’m assuming she succeeded in her plan.

Lucy chooses Andy to be the father of her baby, no matter what the paternity test will show. Dick doesn’t seem too hurt by this decision after his closet rendezvous with Lana. “Don’t sound so disappointed,” Lucy says bitterly.

Now that she’s no longer a virgin, Audrey is wearing a sexy red dress and contemplating her heartbreak by the fire. Ben convinces her to enter the pageant now so she can make her political mark and help save Ghostwood.

Ed tells Nadine that he and Norma plan on getting married. She appears to be more than happy for him because she and Mike are getting married, too. But as she’s expressing her happiness for Ed, she accidentally squeezes Mike’s hand too hard and various things snap and crack. Oops.

Donna confronts her parents about Ben Horne. Again. Ugh. Donna, we get it! They, once again, tell her nothing so she accosts Ben backstage at the pageant. She finally figures out that Ben is her father and runs away. How that wasn’t immediately obvious to her before, I’ll never know. But this should be good news! Now, she and Audrey are half sisters. I think that’s cool.

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Diane, it’s 1:15 PM. I’ve just concluded my second meditations of the day in lieu of sleep. I am completely refreshed and struck again by the realization that we all live at a fraction of our potential. We’ve been working ‘round the clock on the cave hieroglyph. I know the answer is in that crude etching, and I am now convinced that Windom Earle is searching for the same thing we are, and for diametrically opposite reasons. If I’m correct in my assumptions about the power of that unholy place… God help us if he gets there first. I want to make specific mention of Annie Blackburn. Diane, she is a completely original human being. Her responses are as pure as a child’s. To be honest, I haven’t felt this way about anyone since Caroline.”

Cooper’s message to Diane is interrupted by Annie visiting his room. She asks for some assistance with her speech. But they finally let down their guards and get intimate.

Briggs once again returns from a disappearance and Hawk finds him. He is much more shaken this time. Poor bb. He’s all kinds of nonsensical – or maybe he’s making more sense than ever before?

Andy’s been staring at the Owl Cave petroglyph throughout the episode. With his accidental help, Cooper figures out the Jupiter/Saturn connection, which points to when the door will open. Cooper reasons it must also tell them where the door will open. “Fear and love open the door,” Briggs murmurs. And that gives more clues that the Queen is Windom’s final pawn in the chess game he’s been playing. And since he’s targeting Shelly, Donna, and Audrey – all of whom entered Miss Twin Peaks, his Queen must be whoever wins the pageant. Andy accidentally knocks over the bonsai plant and they find Windom’s bug. Damn, he’s already several steps ahead of them.

Miss Twin Peaks is underway. The ladies do a ridiculous dance with clear umbrellas and 90s swimsuit bottoms/suit tops. Lucy does a great jazz dance routine (there are echoes of Drop Dead Gorgeous in this whole thing). Lana does a sexy belly dance or “contortionist jazz exotica.” Sure, okay, Lana. We get it. Audrey gives an impassioned speech bout the environment as Cooper looks on in admiration. Annie also gives a heartfelt speech and everyone is entranced. Even Dick is moved to near tears.

From his vantage backstage, Bobby sees the Log Lady sitting at the bar. But then he turns and suddenly she’s backstage. When he goes to approach her, she — well, HE as in Windom Earle — knocks Bobby out with his log. The ridiculous Master of Disguise strikes again!

It’s finally time to announce who will be queen Miss Twin Peaks. And the winner is… Annie! It’s hard to be happy for her when Cooper is on alert for Windom Earle. When will he strike? Cooper is clapping for Annie but also ready for action with Harry and Andy nearby.

As Annie is presented and given her flowers and crown, the lights suddenly go out, replaced with strobe lights and smoke, causing mass panic and chaos. Nadine gets hit on the head again with a sandbag that falls from the stage and collapses. Doc is trying to help Annie off the stage. She disappears into the smoke.

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As Cooper approaches, he sees Windom dressed as the Log Lady but he can’t get to Annie in time. A burst of fire blocks his path and knocks him back. Windom chloroforms Annie and kidnaps her. The lights come back on but Annie and Windom are gone. Andy finally tells Cooper he figured out the Owl Cave painting: it’s a map!

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