Laura is the one.
Richard Horne is still a horrible garbage person. He tracks down the happy pie-eating Miriam who saw him run down that little kid. She says she told the police he ran over the little boy and sent a letter saying that if anything happens to her, Richard is the one who did it. So, Richard attacks her and beats the shit out of her. She’s still breathing though, despite the giant pool of blood and him turning the oven on and lighting a candle. He calls fan-favorite Chad to intercept the letter at the Sheriff’s office. It’s nice they’re working together so I can hate Chad and Richard as a unit.
This violence is followed by the purest and most wholesome thing I’ve seen in my life: Carl Rodd (Harry Dean Stanton) playing acoustic guitar and singing sweetly. Unfortunately, it is interrupted by more violence. “It’s a fuckin’ nightmare,” Carl says as he can hear Becky’s shitty boyfriend screaming at her. She cowers in a ball on the couch in their tiny trailer as he repeats over and over again that he knows exactly what she did.
Chad tries to foil Lucy in his attempt to get the mail but Lucy’s no fool, despite her quirkiness. He goes out to meet the mailman, and Lucy watches from the window as he flips through the letters. He pockets one from a Meriam — but the woman Richard potentially killed was named Miriam, so he likely made a mistake because Chad is the worst. But this is definitely a good mistake.
Richard continues his trail of terror. He visits his grandma, Sylvia Horne and Johnny Horne. Johnny survived his head injury and stares at the most terrifying looking bear I’ve ever seen, which repeats: Hello, Johnny, how are you today? over and over throughout this entire scene. Richard threatens them and chokes Sylvia as he demands she tell him the code to her safe. He steals all the money and valuables in the safe, as well as everything she had in her purse while Johnny helplessly flops around on the floor. The scene is extra surreal and creepy because of the bear talking and the flowery, serene score that’s playing while Richard terrorizes them.
Yo, Audrey, where the hell are you? Your garbage son is doing a number on this town. I become more and more convinced that he is a product of the Black Lodge. And if Richard is somehow the product of BobCooper and Audrey, then I have this fear that Audrey is in a mental institution somewhere suffering from whatever happened to her. I mean, goodness, I hope not. But where the heck is she!? And if it’s not BobCooper’s kid, then where the heck is the dad!? (It’s not all on Audrey, obviously.)
Speaking of Hornes, Jerry Horne remains lost in the woods with no signal. “You can’t fool me. I’ve been here before!”
After an upsetting conversation with his wife about Richard robbing her, Ben asks Beverly to have dinner with him. I guess they got divorced after the whole Donna Hayward fiasco.
Dr. Jacobi is at it again with his show. Nadine is his most loyal viewer — and also has a golden shovel on display in front of her home, which is also her SILENT DRAPE RUNNERS BUSINESS. She did it! She made the silent drape runners!! That’s it. Show’s over. I’m satisfied.
We return to Rodney Mitchum (Robert Knepper) and the three pink-clad cocktail waitress girls. One of them, Candie, is trying to kill a fly that is floating throughout the room. (This reminded me of my favorite Breaking Bad episode “Fly.”) She picks up a remote to kill it but it lands right on Robert Knepper’s face. She smacks him so hard and breaks into sobs and screams as she realizes her error and sees the blood on his face.
Candie is still having a breakdown over her accident, while Rodney tries to assure her she’s fine and has moved on with his life. He and his brother Bradley (Jim Belushi) see that Ike the Spike’s been arrested — plus, they see Cooper on the news and recognize him as Mr. Jackpots. “What a fuckin’ world,” he says.
Janey-E finally takes Cooper to the doctor. He’s completely healthy. His shirt comes off and Janey-E seems to see him for the first time. Cooper is CUT and Janey-E is looking at him like she wants to climb him like a tree. She is all of us in this moment. ‘Cause dayum, Coop.
Back at home, Cooper is trying to eat his cake in peace while Janey-E just wants to get some of that Coop action. Jade got two rides, so Janey-E deserves one at least, right? This scene is hilarious. They have very loud sex (well, loud on her end) and even wake up poor Sonny-Jim. Cooper is very happy but not even sex with Naomi Watts could snap Cooper out of his Dougie trance. Ha!
Duncan gets a visit from Dougie’s coworker, Anthony, (who’s been scamming the company). He tells Anthony that he needs to get the Mitchum brothers to take out Dougie since Ike’s been caught. If he can’t convince them to do it, then he’ll have to kill Dougie himself.
At the casino, Anthony comes to see the Mitchum brothers. Candie is tasked to go get him, but she’s still in a strange daze after what she did to Rodney. She’s so spaced out that the Mitchum brothers grow increasingly exasperated with her, especially as they watch her have an endless conversation with Anthony on the videos. She’s making all sorts of hand gestures and going on and on. “Did we ask her to tell him her life story!?”
Candie brings Anthony in finally. Apparently, she was just talking about the Vegas weather. They seem satisfied by that and move things along. Anthony tells them Dougie handled their insurance claim for one of their hotels that burned down. Dougie did everything in his power to prevent them from getting their rightfully deserved insurance claim — that Dougie has a personal vendetta against them. “You have an enemy in Douglas Jones!”
The Mitchum brothers are pissed. They’re making a plan to take out Dougie.
“He took us for $300,447,000.”
“Motherfucker. You fuck us once, shame on us. You fuck us twice, shame on you. You’re dead.”
Albert and Morgue Lady go on a date!!!!! It is the cutest. Gordon and Tammy watch from afar with big, happy smiles. “It’s sweet,” they giggle together. That’s what we’re all doing.
Back in his hotel room, Gordon is drawing a nice photo of a deer or something. Albert knocks on his door but when he opens it, he has a vision of Laura sobbing and someone calling her name. Unfortunately, Albert has some not-so-great news. Diane received the weird text (from Cooper we know), which came from somewhere in Mexico. But… she responded: “They have Hastings. He’s going to take them to the site.”
“I felt it when she hugged me. But this confirms it.”
Noooooooo, I don’t want to think that Diane is in cahoots with BobCooper! That’s too terrible to consider. She seemed so upset when she saw him at the jail. How could that be all an act!? She must have a good reason. Or something. Anything.
Not only that but Tammy brings a photo that was found in the cameras from the Glass Box murders. It’s BobCooper sitting inside the box talking to a bald old man. What the hell?
At the end of the episode, the Log Lady has another message for Hawk — and us:
Hawk, electricity is humming. You hear it in the mountains and rivers. You see it dance among the seas and stars. And glowing around the moon. But in these days, the glow is dying. What will be in the darkness that remains? The Truman borthers are both true men. They are your brothers. And the others, the good ones, who have been with you, now the circle is almost complete. Watch and listen to the dream of time and space. It all comes out now flowing like a river. That which is and is not. Hawk, Laura is the one.
We close out with a stunning performance at the Roadhouse by Rebekah Del Rio. Fans of Mulholland Drive will recognize her haunting voice from her acapella performance at Club Silencio, which remains one of my favorite scenes from any film ever.