Stephanie Watches Twin Peaks: 1×02 “Traces to Nowhere”

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“I carry a log, yes. Is it funny to you? It is not to me. Behind all things are reasons. Reasons can even explain the absurd. Do we have the time to learn the reasons behind human beings’ varied behavior? I think not. Some take the time. Are they called detectives? Watch, and see what life teaches.”

We’re back with Dale Cooper, who spent the night at the Great Northern Hotel. And now he’s getting some exercise done…hanging upside. 

“Diane, 6:18 AM, Room 315. Great Northern Hotel here in Twin Peaks. Slept pretty well… A hint of Douglas fir needles in the air…. But the true test of any hotel, as you know, is that morning cup of coffee, which I’ll be getting back to you about within the half-hour.”

He ventures out of his room to enjoy his first Twin Peaks breakfast.

“This is, excuse me, a damn fine cup of coffee.”

(Sorry, there are so many famous/amazing/perfect quotes this episode.) The coffee was clearly a success.

Young Audrey Horne, the daughter of hotel owner Benjamin Horne and who used Laura’s death for a means of attention from some Norwegian businessmen, spots Coop enjoying his coffee and bacon burnt to a crisp (there – I spared you the perfect quote of his breakfast order). She’s got them hearts in her eyes in an instant. Who can blame her? “Sometimes I get so flushed… Do your palms ever itch?”

Coop leaves Audrey hanging and heads to the police station. He first encounters Andy stuffing his face with a donut, then runs into Lucy eating a donut, and finally finds Harry with a mouthful of donut: “Hey, three for three!” Before Harry can even swallow, Coop has unloaded a ton of information on him. That he believes the same perpetrator hurt both Laura and Ronette that night in the train car. So, now they have some sleuthing to do! Ahoy!

Shelly is on her way to work and goes to bid Leo farewell. Husband-of -the-Year Leo’s only response is, “Did you finish cleaning my boots!?” And when he discovers she didn’t finish ALL of his laundry, he makes her do it RIGHT NOW. As she begrudgingly throws his dirty crap in the washing machine, she discovers a bloodied denim shirt. Actually using her brain, as most damsels are stereotyped not to do, she hides the shirt.

Meanwhile, Donna, Laura’s SUPPOSED best friend, is having some new, complex feelings. “It’s like I’m having the most beautiful dream and a terrible nightmare all at once.” She wants to keep mackin’ on James (lord knows why), but feels guilty about betraying her best friend. He’s probably still hung up on Laura, anyway, so I don’t see how this is a good idea.

Back at the station, Coop and Harry are interrogating Forehead McGee about his relationship with Laura. He has a flashback to a happier time, where Laura tells him how happy she is because she believes that James really does love her. But he can’t fess up when prompted about the missing locket since he’s the one who gave it to her.

Some more clues arise as Coop and Harry question Josie. She reveals that Laura came to help her with her English twice a week. When she last saw her, however, she seemed troubled. But not being besties, they didn’t discuss it. But that’s all she knows. Special Agent Coop also easily detects the budding romance between Harry and Josie. He is totally, adorably embarrassed by being so easily found out.

His embarrassment is interrupted of the most well-known moments of the series. Coop takes his coffee “black as midnight on a moonless night.” (Jeez, stop being so dreamy.) As soon as they take a sip, however, Pete Martell has some startling news!

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So, who killed Laura Palmer? Here are some more clues throughout the episode:

  • Ed thinks his beer was drugged while a man named Jacques Renault was tending bar. And that’s why he got so beat up.
  • Laura helped Norma deliver meals to invalids. The Meals on Wheels program was her idea.
  • Deputy Hawk follows a mysterious, suspicious acting man towards the hospital morgue. But nothing comes of it as the man seems to disappear.
  • Donna goes to see Sarah Palmer. Sarah is having some cray-cray times due to her grief and first sees Laura in Donna’s face, then sees her bestie BOB.

More fun things of note:

  • “If Nadine caught wind of me and Norma, I’d be playin’ harp for the heavenly all stars.” – Big Ed. This is the greatest way to tell someone you’d be dead.
  • Awkward Norma vs. Nadine scene. ED BOUGHT HER DRAPES, NORMA. THEY INSTALLED THEM TOGETHER, NORMA. THE DRAPE RUNNERS, NORMA.
  • New affair revelation: Benjamin Horne & Catherine Martell. They’re both pretty sleazy, so who is surprised?
  • “For your information, I heard you speaking about Laura Palmer. One day, my log will have something to say about this. My log saw something that night!” -Log Lady
  • Shelly comes home from work with pie for Leo, while he has a bar of soap wrapped in a towel for her. And he’s ready to teach her a lesson about losing her property. HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD.
  • “Pray for the health and safety of James Hurley. Anything happens to him, we’re coming after you.” -Coop, bein’ a BAMF.
  • Audrey doin’ her swanky sway dance.
  • “Laura died two days ago. I lost you years ago.” -Ben Horne with a sick Audrey burn.
  • Awkward family dinners with James & Donna. Nice to see him in a sweater and not his shitty biker jacket.
  • Bobby and Mike see that James is at Donna’s. “Too bad we can only kill him once.” YOU GUYS ARE SO COOL.

The episode ends as Dr. Jacobi, Laura’s psychologist, starts listening to a tape Laura recorded for him. It seems to reveal a LOT of information… So, why won’t he bring it to the police? Oh, and he stole Laura’s locket that James and Donna buried. Another suspect for the list.

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Until next time… Sleep well.

Stephanie Cosplays Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite

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Elizabeth – Bioshock Infinite

Cons: Indiana Comic Con 2015

Status: Active

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Since I’ve already cosplayed young Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite, I felt like I needed to do another version of her. For some crazy reason.

Costume details:

Corset: I started with a base white corset that I got on eBay. And since the boning was in line with the lines on the corset in her design, I used that as my guide. I sewed strips of black bias tape all around it. Since this was a cheap corset, the boning was not metal, so it was somewhat easy to sew it. SOMEWHAT. Still a bit of a pain overall.

Bolero: I bought royal blue velvet from fabric.com and followed a bolero pattern. I made my own sleeve cuff pattern, which took a few tries to get them the right length folded back. The collar miraculously stays up somehow.

Skirt: I used a simple circle skirt pattern. Okay, actually, Josh patterned this out for me because math. Math and I do not get along, haha. But I put it together and all was well. I ended up not using a zipper since the fabric was quite stretchy, so it’s super comfy.

Hoop Skirt: I knew that the velvet might make my skirt feel a little limp, despite it being a flowy circle skirt. So, I decided to get a hoop skirt to really accentuate the design. I got mine from Amazon.

Choker: Etsy purchase.

Wig: eBay find

Shoes: I used the same shoes as in my young Elizabeth costume. I found them on Ebay and love the old timey look to them.

Skyhook: This was an awesome Christmas gift. I believe my dad got it from ThinkGeek. Anyhoo, I need to mount this sucker on my wall soon because it’s so cool and detailed.

Onto the photos, taken by Cosplay4UsAll. Booker is my lovely friend Nora. She also did the photo edit in the first photo. We are probably the shortest Booker/Liz duo ever.

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Stephanie Watches Twin Peaks: 1×01 “Pilot” or “Northwest Passage”

Kyle MacLachlan In 'Twin Peaks'

“Welcome to Twin Peaks. My name is Margaret Lanterman. I live in Twin Peaks. I am known as the Log Lady. There is a story behind that. There are many stories in Twin Peaks. Some of them are sad, some funny. Some of them are stories of madness, of violence. Some are ordinary. Yet they all have about them a sense of mystery – the mystery of life. Sometimes, the mystery of death. The mystery of the woods. The woods surrounding Twin Peaks. To introduce this story, let me just say it encompasses the all– it is beyond the “fire,” though few would know that meaning. It is a story of many, but begins with one – and I knew her. The one leading to the many is Laura Palmer. Laura is the one.”

Thank you, Log Lady. Welcome to my #ThrowbackThursday review of the Twin Peaks series! I will hopefully be doing this every Thursday from now until I’m done with the series, so follow along, skip ahead, whatever you want. Also, I’m reviewing this as though watching it for the first time. There will be no spoilers for future episodes. So, if this is your first time, please join in on the fun…and fire walk with me~

We begin our journey to the Pacific Northwest as Pete Martell makes a terrible discovery: “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.”

As the police roll in – super foxy Sherriff Harry S. Truman and bumbling, yet adorable Andy – we discover that the dead body belongs to Laura Palmer, a well-known high schooler in the small town of Twin Peaks. Alongside this discovery, we are forced to endure Laura’s mother, Sarah, calling everyone who might know why her daughter wasn’t in her bed this morning. When she finally calls her husband, Leland, who is working alongside Benjamin Horne at the Great Northern Hotel, it’s just as Sherriff Truman is arriving to tell him the grim news. Cue brutal screams and cries from both parents.

The news gradually reaches everyone in town: from Laura’s family to her best friend (Donna) to her boyfriend (Bobby) to her secret boyfriend (James) and to people who really don’t care either way (Audrey).

And then, drumroll…. Special Agent Dale Cooper is called to the scene, because this murder is similar to one he dealt with a year earlier when a woman named Theresa Banks was found murdered with the letter “T” on a piece of paper under her fingernail.

“Diane, 11:30 AM, February 24. Entering the town of Twin Peaks… I’ve never seen so many trees in my life.”

The investigation begins as they find Laura’s diary and a videotape of her and Donna having a picnic. The video shows the reflection of a motorcycle. So, they begin questioning everyone close to her, mainly Bobby and James. Both of them are clearly too stupid or too doofy to have anything to do with the murders, but they remain suspects all the same.

Bobby is way too busy having an affair with cutie Double R Diner waitress Shelly to have any reason for killing Laura. But, of course, he can’t discuss this because Shelly is actually married and her hubby Leo is one of the worst human’s ever (with THE WORST hair ever), who would more than likely kill Shelly instead of Bobby over the affair. So, aw, he’s protecting her. Kind of.

James is clearly in love with Laura, but couldn’t talk about it because Bobby is her boyfriend. But Bobby doesn’t really care, James. Side note: Doesn’t James have the most intense forehead of any human ever? I hope you enjoy looking at that brooding thing because you’re going to keep seeing it. This is his main expression.

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And what’s worse is that James suddenly becomes all conflicted as he and Donna mourn over Laura together. And then they just start MAKING OUT in the woods together! Jeez, guys, wait until she’s in the ground or until her body is COLD even. But now they have a secret necklace to hide and make out some more.

Meanwhile, my boo Coop is finding some more clues. Another girl named Ronnette Pulaski comes into play, who they think may have been present at the time of Laura’s murder. But she is way too effed up from whatever happened to her to be any help. He looks under her fingernails for the familiar clue, but finds nothing. On Laura’s body, however, he finds a small slip of paper with the letter “R.”

Thanks to this clue, Coop decides to stick around and begin his official FBI investigation.

“Diane, it’s 12:28 am, looks like I’ll be staying locally at the Great Northern hotel.”

A couple other notable relationships that pop up along the way: Big Ed Hurley of BIG ED’S GAS FARM (I love this name) is having an affair with Double R Diner owner Norma Jennings. She’s married to a guy named Hank, who is currently serving time in prison for manslaughter. Big Ed is married to Nadine Hurley, who’s a little cooky, but means well. She’s obsessed with DRAPE RUNNERS.

Sherriff Truman is seeing Josie Packard, owner of the Packard Sawmill. Her hubby Andrew Packard died in a boating accident, so she inherited the mill, much to the chagrin of Catherine Martell. Anyhoo, she’s dating Sherriff Truman, who is the sweetest dude in Twin Peaks pretty much. (I have a super crush on him tbh.)

We end with Sarah Palmer having a horrible vision. Tune in next week for episode 2!

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Random observations as I watched:

  • That goddamn ceiling fan…
  • First overbearing redness: Bobby’s family kitchen when Sarah Palmer calls. Also, the red stripes throughout the school hallways.
  • Audrey’s saddle shoes FTW.
  • Random chick screaming and running through the school grounds after presumably hearing about Laura. Why do you care about Laura so much?
  • Waitress Heidi appearance!
  • “Norma, I’ll see you in my dreams.”
    “Not if I see you first.”
  • THE DRAPE RUNNERS, ED!!! ED!!!!
  • Why is the morgue lighting so shitty? Spring for some non-flashy bulbs, ya’ll.
  • “Diane, I’m holding in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies.”
  • The beginning of the Lucy/Andy OTP. Andy seems like the kind of guy that would take her last name if they got married. They’re just adorable.
  • Sup Donna’s sister, Harriet, who I don’t think we ever see again.
  • ~Performance by Julee Cruise at the biker bar~ I flippin’ love this song.
  • Ed is pretty foxy tbh. I wouldn’t be mad if he got in a fight for me…even if he got knocked out immediately. Oops.
  • Dale Cooper & Sherriff Truman for True Detective Season 3.
  • James/Donna be making out before Laura Palmer’s body is even cold.
  • The amount of donuts on the table at the police station is awe inspiring.
  • Ominous red swinging traffic light.
  • Extra scene from the international version: Lucy in a shiny dress playing with a paddle board and Andy in a brown suit playing trumpet in their apartment. So random.

Stephanie Reads Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari

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Having recently joined the dating world, I was curious about Aziz’s new book Modern Romance. And since he is hilarious in the written form, at least on social media, and also on one of my favorite shows of all time called Parks & Recreation, I figured the book would be entertaining. And that’s exactly what it was, as well as extremely informative and full of intense research and accounts from real people in the dating world—in the past and today. He traveled all over the world, ate some delicious food (damn, the dude really loves his burritos and ramen), and interviewed people that exist all in completely diverse dating worlds.

What I found most interesting is that people from our grandparents’ era were more likely to find their future spouse in someone that lived down the street or even in the same building. And the main use of apps like Tinder are to find people in your vicinity. You can set the parameters based on mileage—and I have mine set at 5 miles because who wants to travel too far for a date? Or end up dating someone who actually live 20 miles away. That may seem harsh, but hey, when you live in a city that relies heavily on public transportation (and when you don’t have a driver’s license, like me), close proximity is an important factor. If you live in a more suburban or rural environment, your range will likely be a lot wider. But I’m speaking specifically from a Chicago perspective.

Either way, not much has changed from then to now, except the prevalence of technology being our go-to way to find a date. We won’t walk down the street in hopes of finding a dude (well, maybe some of us will and hats off to you, brave soul). No, it’s much easier to lie on your couch watching How I Met Your Mother for the millionth time swiping through the available lads of Chicago.

The other big factor Aziz touched on in his book is the culture of texting. He relates this to an exchange he had with a woman that he texted about a date, but never heard back (even though he saw the ‘typing’ dots come up and disappear with no response. THE DOTS WERE THERE. SHE READ THE TEXT, MAN!). His hilarious recount of all the emotions he went through from excitement to anxiety to anger to denial to acceptance seem utterly ridiculous, until you are waiting to hear back from someone you like. Someone that you’ve put yourself out there for and bravely suggested hanging out again. Every time your phone buzzes, your heart races and then instantly drops when you realize it’s just your dumb best friend making a Portlandia reference. Eventually, over the course of several days, the anxiety subsides and you just accept the fact and disappointment that the person might not be that into you. Until they explain themselves a couple weeks later and all is forgiven and now you’re feeling a new emotion: embarrassment for getting worked up over nothing.

Aside from just the stress of setting up dates with someone you like, there’s the whole nature of texting itself and just attempting to conduct natural conversations. Aziz laments that dudes really suck at texting. (I swear, if one more dude asks for boob photos without ever having met me….) And the important thing is to distinguish yourself from all the other dudes that suck at texting. He explains that the generic “hey, what’s up?” text isn’t going to get anyone’s attention because that same girl you’re texting probably has five other guys saying the exact same thing. In my experience, this is definitely true, but even worse than the “hey, what’s up?” is just a “Hi” or “Hey.” Why bother texting if you have nothing to actually say? Us ladies would rather just not be bothered. Because then we feel pressured to respond, but also have nothing to say or we would have texted you in the first place!

Aziz recommends skipping the small talk and getting straight to meeting in person. So, a good initial text is to just suggest a date. I would agree with this because you really don’t want to waste weeks of getting to know someone through text only to find out you don’t really click in real life. Maybe getting to know someone is never a waste, but when there’s a long line of suitors all wanting to get to know you, it’s exhausting. That sounds super arrogant, like oh I have sooooo many guys that like me, I’m soooooo special. But being female and on a dating site looking for a dude — there are always more. (That doesn’t mean more is better, of course. But at least there are a zillion options.)

Once you’ve done the initial date, Aziz suggests giving people more than one chance, even though there are always more. This is a good idea in theory because not everyone makes the greatest first impression, but man…sometimes first dates just suck.

The amount of options we have in our current dating world with Tinder, OKCupid, Match, etc. really is overwhelming. I am astounded that I can swipe on Tinder for ten minutes straight and not run out of guys. This gives me hope that no matter how many bad dates I go on, there will always be someone else out there, but it’s also hard to not think about all the options that could be out there while on any of those dates. For people who always think the grass could be greener, it’s hard to disregard that and settle down.

The book takes you through all of these parts of dating from meeting to texting to settling down into a relationship and relates it to his life and to the lives of the interesting people he met along the way of writing this book. It’s a quick read and I was laughing out loud a few times, especially when Aziz would go on a food tangent, but it’s also super explanatory and full of interesting introspection about our current dating culture. Give it a read!

Stephanie Cosplays Agent Peggy Carter

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Peggy Carter — Captain America: The First Avenger

Cons: Indiana Comic Con 2015; C2E2 2015

Status: Active

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Peggy is the best, duh. After watching a ton of Agent Carter, I had a strong desire to cosplay Peggy. And I knew I wanted to do the SSR uniform because who doesn’t love a lady in uniform? And gives me an excuse to seek out cute Captain Americas (although there was a surprising lack of CA’s at both cons! Womp womp). Plus, I was on a time crunch and didn’t have time to sew anything. So, all the pieces came together just in time for Indiana Comic Con. Wooo!

Costume Details:

Wig: Dark brown wig from Epic Cosplay. I tried using foam rollers for styling, but that didn’t hold. So, I ended up styling each curl by hand, using Aussie Instant Freeze hairspray.

Jacket: Authentic Military Jacket from What Price Glory

Shirt: I bought a white button-down shirt from Target.

Tie: Matching Tie from What Price Glory

Skirt: I found an olive pencil skirt on eBay.

SSR pins: If you google/eBay search “SSR pins,” you’ll find some!

Shoes: I borrowed my friend’s nude pumps, but after five minutes of wearing, I immediately switched to nude flats. I am terrible at heels.

Lipstick: Besame 1946 Red Velvet

Nail: Revlon Red

Photos:

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Dottie: Missy
Howard Stark: Nora

Stephanie Wants: Apartment Wishlist

I’m moving July 1st! So, updates might be a little scarce while I pack, move, get Internet, unpack, and get settled in. It’s gonna be a crazy next couple of weeks. In the meantime, if anyone needs some ideas for housewarming presents, here you go. Anything cat or dinosaur themed is clearly the way to go. I need that T-Rex head more than I realized. I could totally hang scarves on him! See? Multi-purpose!

Apartment Wants

Stephanie Cosplays Skye from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Season 2)

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Skye — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Season 2 Version

Cons: C2E2 2015

Status: Active

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I got to wear this costume with my BFFs Nick as Ward and Missy as Simmons. We had an amazing experience running around C2E2 and being super silly. Nick shouted “Hail Hydra” at everyone, including Ming-Na, who could have kicked his ass. And Ming-Na told me, “Oh wow, you have Chloe’s whole outfit!” So that was exciting. And Hayley Atwell told us we were amazing and glared at Nick’s “Hail Hydra.” Also, we ran into Ann Foley, Agents of SHIELD costume designer, who gave us the OFFICIAL seal of approval!

Costume Details:

Most of these items were regular clothes I already had or bought. I also got the SHIELD lanyard from March’s Lootcrate. And my lovely lady friend Dawn made me the cowl hood because she is magical.

Now on to the silly photos we took:

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Continue reading

Stephanie Sees Queen Amarantha by Otherworld Theatre

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I was invited to see Queen Amarantha written by Charles Busch and performed by Otherworld Theatre because of my love for Game of Thrones. Well, specifically because of my love for Cersei. I was promised a story about a young queen, unsure of her own desires, identity, or place in the world, struggling to rule a country riddled with manipulation, betrayal, and death. And Queen Amarantha surely delivered.

The most curious aspect for me was that City Lit Theater is in a church off of Bryn Mawr. And knowing that the play featured sword fighting, partial nudity, AND sexual content (bazinga!), I felt a little scandalous for being there.

But after the quiet plucking of an acoustic guitar to set the mood and hues of reds and blues to light the stage, the audience was instantly transported to this medieval land.

From the get-go, we get the feeling that Amarantha is not like other queens. She was thrust into this role after the untimely death of her father and would much rather go hunting for berries with her flamboyant cousin Roderigo while donning attire not fit for a queen (a.k.a. pants and boots–gasp!). She is also quite fluid with her sexuality, smooching her cute little maid Edra and then falling for the handsome Adrian, equally as fluid with his sexuality.

But her life is not as easy as finding a suitor to be her king. And that’s not even her ultimate goal. She just wants her people to trust, love, and respect her. But she must deal with the theft of the treasury and the growing unrest of her people. When her old pal Thalia comes back into her life, she is initially overjoyed. As are we, the audience, because their friendship seems so innocent, so genuine. But we quickly realize she’s only back to unceremoniously take the throne for herself. While she wishes for no blood to be shed, Amarantha’s advisors are keener to hire assassins. Eventually Amarantha flees the city and leaves the throne in the hands of Roderigo, who takes Thalia for his Queen. What will happen in her absence? And when does all this sword fighting and sexiness come in? Well, you’ll just have to see the play and check it out for yourself, right?

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The cast of characters instantly draws you into the story, albeit a little melodramatically at times. But what’s a story of dramatic betrayal without an amazing, evil, maniacal laugh? Props to Thalia played by Mary-Kate Arnold for that! There was also an impressive amount of character development. Roderigo began as a caricature of a lazy, slovenly drunkard, but he quickly took a different turn and grew from his time as King.

My favorite character was obviously Thalia, but I’m biased to those ladies driven mad by paranoia who have spent their entire lives being overlooked. She didn’t want to kill her old best friend. She just wanted to be in power. But power corrupts. Especially those with ill intentions.

And for those that need some eye candy? The character of Adrian ain’t too shabby. Not to mention, the costumes are amazing! I loved the ladies’ armor, especially.

My favorite part was definitely the bar sing-a-long. But I won’t give away anymore than that. Again, go see it while you still can!

Queen Amarantha runs until June 28.

Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays: 7:30 PM
Sundays: 4:00 PM

City Lit Theatre
1020 W Bryn Mawr
Chicago, IL 60660

You can purchase tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/826255

Stephanie Watches Game of Thrones: 5×10 “Mother’s Mercy”

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Winterfell

Not very unexpectedly, the majority of Stannis’s army fled during the knight after witnessing their king burn his only child alive. And to make matters worse, Selyse hung herself and Melly Sanders ditches him. But Stannis tries to keep his cool and press on to the battle. The Boltons are too well prepared and take out his army easily.

Stannis fights for his life, but when confronted with Brienne of Tarth, he confesses to the murder of her king, Renly. He tells her to “do your duty” and she slays the shit out of him. Although Stannis is still alive and well in the books, I couldn’t help but be glad that daughter-burning Stannis is no more. Thanks, Brienne buddy.

Meanwhile, Sansa is trying her damnedest to escape while Ramsay is distracted by the battle. But she runs in to Ramsay’s girlfriend and Theon. She would prefer to die while there’s still part of her left than let Ramsay continually take her and destroy her, day after day. But Theon finally steps up his game and pushes that chick off the battlements. KERSPLAT! Thank you, Theon. He and Sansa take each other’s hands and jump off as well. I’m assuming they’ll be okay? Maybe Theon cushioned her landing? Maybe he materialized a big padded bed for them to land on? Who knows.

Braavos

Arya tries out her first “face” as she poses as a prostitute for Ser Meryn Trant. (Okay, so I thought you couldn’t actually get the “faces” until you’d completed your training and it wasn’t just something you tack on, but I digress.) She gets REAL stabby with him. And it was nice to watch that butthole get it after everything he did to the Starks. See, there’s some justice?

But Jaquen is not pleased and punishes her by taking her sight! I was actually cheering for this since it happens in the book, ha ha ha. This is what I’ve come to. Cheering for terrible things when they’re book accurate. But her training will continue and it will be interesting to see her get more attuned to her other senses. Maybe she’ll become Daredevil.

Dorne

Jaime, Myrcella, Trystane, and Bronn head back on their boat to King’s Landing. Jaime and Myrcella have a bonding moment on the boat, where she tells him she knew he was her daddy all along and couldn’t be happier about it. But, of course, all that is ruined when blood starts seeping out of her nose.

Ellaria just couldn’t let them get away so easily. So, she gave Myrcella a poisoned kiss goodbye. Ugh. I don’t think your late hubby, Oberyn, would be too pleased. Remember how he told Cersei, “We don’t hurt little girls in Dorne.” Okay, sure. Whatever.

Across the Narrow Sea

Dany’s crew is all alive, but at a loss as to what to do next. They know they need to go find her, but can’t leave Meereen unattended. Daario and Jorah decide to head out for the most awkward bromance outing (“I’ve loved her for years!” “Yeah, but I totally banged her, dude”) and leave Tyrion, Missandei, and Grey Worm in charge.

We see Daenerys miles and miles from Meereen. Drogon is a sleepy baby and just wants to take a nap after all that killing and eating. Plus, he has some wounds that need to heal, so he’s all, “MOM, LEAVE ME ALONE!” Dany goes off to find food and instead finds a big ass hoard of Dothraki horselords. Nothing bad will come of this, I’m sure!

The Wall

Jon and Sam have some cute bonding time, but Sam begs Jon to let him go to Oldtown with Gilly and baby Sam so he can study to become a maester. They bid farewell and Jon resumes his daily life. Without his one friend, however, things go south quickly. He’s told that his uncle Benjen has been found and a certain wildling has all the information for him. What Jon should have done was have them bring the wildling TO him, but he is grasping so hard at any shred of family that may be left, he rushes out to meet the wildling, only to be greeted with a sign that reads “TRAITOR”.

The men of the Night’s Watch all take turns stabbing him, “For the watch!” Olly, the little kid who killed Ygritte, takes the final blow.

So, the question on everyone’s mind: is Jon Snow really dead?

I have no idea. Jon’s final book chapter left us with a fadeout and no confirmation one way or the other. Kit Harrington did an interview that said he wasn’t coming back and as far as he knew, Jon Snow was dead. That could be very disheartening, or he might not be allowed to really say. But if he really is dead, then what was the point of his story? Why did we go through all of that? Sure, you could say that about any character death, but his death would bring nothing.

And considering the series is called “A Song of Ice & Fire,” that basically means A Song of Jon & Dany, being that they are the last living Targaryens in the Seven Kingdoms.

My theory is that Jon could have warged into Ghost since he is still a Stark and they can do that. Melisandre could bring him back to life since necromancy has been a thing for a while. The Night’s Watch needs to burn his body or he’ll become a wight, but since he is a Targ, maybe he will be “reborn” from the flames like Dany.

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King’s Landing

I’ve been dreading Cersei’s walk of penance for seasons. I knew it would be hard to witness, as it was painful to read. And sure enough, the moment they started cutting off her hair, the tears started flowing.

Cersei is stripped of everything that makes her Cersei Lannister: her golden lion mane of hair, her gorgeous finery, her pride. “But hair grows back,” she tells herself in the book. Instead she emerges from the Sept with her bruised, dirty, bloody body exposed for the world to see. But even still, she holds her head high as she begins the long march to the Red Keep.

I am a lioness, I will not cringe for them.”

The septas chant “SHAME!” behind her as townspeople curse at her and throw things. The uneven pavement bloodies her feet. She falls once and looks as though she may give up as her own tears start flowing. But her resolve strengthens and she gets back up. The march goes on for an excruciatingly long time. And keep in mind, this march is to shame her as a woman for having relations outside of her marital bed, as that is the only crime she confessed to. This is the church’s idea of punishment. Ugh.

By the time Cersei finally reaches the doors of the Red Keep, she is nearly broken. Her uncle Kevan Lannister is there, but it is Qyburn who rushes to her, covers her up, and shows her the newest member of her guard. He looks awfully familiar, doesn’t he? As the newly reborn Mountain swoops Cersei up to take her home, revenge burns hard in her eyes. She will take down those that made her make that long walk and all those that insulted her along the way.

My theory is that Cersei will declare a trial by combat with The Mountain as her fighter. I am more than confident she will win her battle and become the rightful queen once more. I also think that Margaery will lose her trial and be either executed or exiled. Either would be good for Cersei.

And once everything is coming up Cersei, Tommen will die somehow. And then Cersei will just go insane from grief from losing all her children and start to take down King’s Landing with her, or just go insane by herself. Either way, I think this is where Jaime will come in and poison her to death.

So, whew. That was a heavy episode and the hardest for me to witness as a Cersei fan. What are you theories, now that we’re all caught up to the books?

Stephanie Watches Game of Thrones: 5×09 “The Dance of Dragons”

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The Wall

After last week’s fun-filled whitewalker battle, Jon Snow returns to the Wall with what’s left of the Hardhome wildlings. Aliser Thorne has some major second thoughts about letting them all through, but opens the gate anyway. He’s kind of a dick, but knows that he can’t do much against Jon these days except lots of sneering and disapproving glances.

Dorne

Arguably the most tolerable Dorne scenes happened, although much of it was nonsensical. Ellaria magically decides to prostate herself and beg for forgiveness? Doran decides to send his only son and heir (because they are VERY focused on not naming Myrcella queen and heir) to the most dangerous city?

Oh well. At least Dorne is insanely gorgeous and Prince Doran fits the image of him in my head. I want to see Areo Hotah use that big ol’ axe thing. For more than just smashing Bronn in the face. Although that was pretty hilarious. And Jaime clearly found Oberyn’s closet.

Braavos

Arya continues being Lana. Why they couldn’t keep her named Cat of the Canals is beyond me. Did they think viewers were that dumb and wouldn’t get that this Cat is different than Catelyn? Like how they had to change Asha to Yara because they thought people would get her confused with Osha? Anyhoo, Arya spots Mace Tyrell and Ser Meryn Trant getting off a boat to meet with the bank of Braavos. Meryn is on her death list, so her priorities shift from offing this scumbag insurance man to following Meryn and Mace all over the city.

She tracks Meryn to a brothel and watches as he claims all the beautiful women are “too old” until the head of the brothel brings him a little girl to satisfy him. GROSS. You can just see the disgust and rage boiling up in Arya’s eyes. I have a feeling the poison oysters will go for him. That or she’ll unearth Needle and get to him after posing as a brothel girl. That’s my assumption/hope, anyway. This dude needs to go after what he’s done to Sansa.

The North

Davos and Shireen continue being adorable, which just makes what comes next even more terrible and painful. He makes her a little wooden stag to thank her for teaching him how to read. During the night, however, Ramsay sends in some secret soldiers to burn all the food stores and kill the horses. So, Stannis decides to send Davos back to Castle Black to get more and won’t let him take Shireen with him.

And why not? Because Stannis thinks it’s a great idea to burn his cute little daughter at the stake. She has king’s blood running through her veins and her death with APPARENTLY make Stannis win his battles and the war and become king. Stannis just lets this happen. Crazypants Selyse even comes to her senses and tries to stop it. So you know it’s gotta be a cooky decision.

The Game of Thrones producers claim that this is something that will happen later on in the books. But I have to imagine that if Stannis does something this drastic, it will have to be for far more than some burned food and horses. This situation was not dire enough to warrant burning his daughter alive. Granted, nothing would ever be. But still.

Not cool, Stannis.

Meereen

The moment Dany has been dreading has finally arrived. The Meereenese fighting pits have opened and everyone in the city has gathered to witness the meaningless slaughter. Tyrion is equally as disapproving, believing that there’s enough death in the world already. Dany spends much of her time watching with a furrowed brow. And her worry grows even more once Jorah comes on to the battlefield. Part of her is probably like, Ugh not again! And the other, gentler part of her doesn’t want to see her old confidant die brutally on a staged battlefield.

But Jorah bests them all. And after defeting the Meereenese Champsion, the stadium erupts in to insanity. A Harpy has snuck up behind Dany amidst the chaos and is ready to kill her before Jorah throws a spear at him. More Harpies emerge, killing Hizdahr, killing masters, killing everyone in the stadium. Daario, Jorah, and Tyrion fight to protect Dany and Missandei, but it’s no use. There are too many Harpies. They’re surrounded in the middle of the battlefield. Dany clutches Missandei’s hand and closes her eyes, readying herself for death to come.

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But then….

DROGON COMES TO THE RESCUE! Drawn to the stadium by the smell of blood, he chomps and burns those that threaten his mommy. She climbs on top of him and rides out of the stadium in all her Mother of Dragons glory!

I’ve been waiting for this scene all season and thought it was very well done, albeit a bit cheesy with the CGI. I miss edStrong Belwas and the poisoned locusts aspect since I thought Hizdahr was still a jerk, but maybe show!Hizdahr was innocent after all. Also, Jorah totally touched Dany, despite having greyscale. Ummm, was that an accident or intentional? Does Dany have greyscale now? Or was that just something the director totally missed?

Anyway, despite my extreme anger over what happened to Shireen, the Dany scene was really fun. The finale is going to be super intense and emotional. This Cersei fan is not ready!